Happy Vally Follow-Up

This story involves- White Thunder (WT), Mike J, Dru R, Dupe, and countless extras

Friday- November 6, 2009
Wow...what a great fucking time...I was scheduled to depart for this adventure at approximately 8pm. Around 5:45pm it came to me, "Yo jerkoff, why don't you have a flask and start this adventure off right?" I called a buddy of mine, Crazy Ed, who happened to be at a cigar shop where these wonderful inventions were being sold. After several picture messages, and deductive reasoning my flask was chosen and being delivered by the end of my work shift. After Crazy Ed arrived to my work I immediately ripped the packaging apart and filled it with 6oz of "Liberty Shawns" favorite cocktail, Captain Morgan. I made my rounds explaining to my patrons that I would be leaving so I may begin my journey to Happy Valley where I could not only drink in excess but sexually harass females I had yet to encounter. I came home, packed my bags, blew off "papa smurf", and was on my way.

The car ride was nothing exciting. A little yelling of obscenities, some fine tunes, and of course me and the captain made it happen. About 15min out of Happy Valley the mass text messages began to go out in hopes to find an exciting party. Little did we know what destiny had in store for us.

Upon arrival to Mike J's house I was introduced to his parents. Following the introduction was a lot of "Fuck you mom, wheres that fat jerkoff dad" and Dru and Dupe following in with such comments. This kind of behavior was even surprising for me (but not at all difficult for me to adapt to). Before my bags were dropped my hand was occupied with a Heineken and a cookie (not the best mix but who am I to complain). We we settled in downstairs, had a couple beers, and I then got the text with our invitation to a party that I was told had an ample amount of Liquor and mixers free of charge :) . We said fuck off to the parents, loaded up the truck, and ventured off on a 7min ride to one of the longest nights of my life.

So we walk in, and the booze is basically polished off. In fears that I would not be able to get obliterated I began making drinks that involved 3/4 vodka and 1/4 coke (the soda, the drug comes along later on in the story). After a couple drinks I began to mingle with the ladies and gentlemen in the room. This party consisted of mostly people from home so nothing out of the ordinary happened (titty flicking, ass grabbing, and sexual comments). At this point I noticed that the bottles were dry and in fear of sobering up we set out to purchase 12-packs of beer. Dru Dupe and Mike had gotten pretty far ahead of me and I kind of got lost. After a couple phone calls and a some pissed off cursing I was able to find them. They had just spent given some drunk asshole $20 for a $38 case of donkey urine. Unwilling to drink this beverage, I continued on my quest for Studweiser. While standing in line someone came up to me and commented on my shirt, JOHNNY CUPCAKES FUCKIN RULES MAN. This kid was unable to find the dick in his pants but could make out the cupcake on my shirt, totally absurd but to each his own. So I buy my 12pack and head back to the house. Pretty kicked in the ass I realize that my beer is gonna get warm if I do not tend to refrigeration needs immediately. Not trusting one person in the house, I decided to pour ice in the 12pack to keep them warm. However I missed most of the case and could have found more ice in a glass if I ordered a shot on the rocks. We then notice Crazy Legs Dru dancing around in the middle of a group of people he had never seen. After most cleared out there was one poor soul who still remained. For some reason she began to dance with him and his animal instincts took over. He fiercely gripped her closer and began to grind genitles together, so hard and close its a wonder a fire didn't start. After fighting him off she ran around the coffee table and latched on to the closest guy she could find. Around 2:30 Mike and myself only have about two stud's left and half a case of that donkey piss i mentioned. All of a sudden Dru's comes flying down the steps saying that we must go and go fast. In my drunken state I was completely baffled and asked what was the matter when all of a sudden a short stocky bald fella came barreling down the steps (this is when the night got interesting).
Shorty: YOU, I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT
Dru: Easy man these are my friends
Shorty: Oh yeah? Your friends with him?
WT & Mike: Yeah whats goin on?
Shorty: You guys can get the fuck out too
WT: Yo dude, chill out what the fuck happened
Shorty: Listen WT, I dont know you guys, your buddies askin for coke, so get the fuck out
WT: So you dont know me, but your calling me by name? wtf are you talking about.
[Mike and Dru exit]
WT: Now do you wanna calm down and tell me what happened? I have no problem gettin kicked out I just wanna know why
Shorty: Your buddy comes up, asks where the coke party is and shit, I'm tired I just wanna go to bed
WT: No problem dude, theres a half case of beer on the counter, its pretty expensive and tastes great, its all yours.

At this point its about 3am, we are fuckin mangled, confused and hungry. We venture off to the infamous "Are U Hungry" in search of a fat bitch. Along the walk Dru tells us his version.
Dru: So I'm standin there and the dudes like, all your dreams can come true with the coke party up stairs. So ya know, I take a walk up there, pop in the room and I'm like, "Yo where the coke at?". Then the short kid starts snappin cause he musta been doin it and then, well you guys know the rest of the story.
After explaining to him that you A. Shouldnt be in the upstairs of a house where you know no one and B. Dont go asking strangers for coke, they may take offense to that. However, he had a blank stare and was hardly able to walk. While inside ordering food we noticed Dru on the main street with a beer bottle, a mean swagger, and girls that looked at him with disgust. We all voted that we allow him to get arrested if a cop came so we would not be bothered with baby sitting at this point. I purchased a fatbitch as well as a shirt that says "I LOVE FATBITCHES". I devoured my sandwich on the path to the car(not before urinating in a parking garage). We got home, Dru was lost, Dupe layed down, me and Mike played pool until about 5am by the grace of God.

Saturday- November 7, 2009
About 4 hours later we were told to wake up by none other then crazy legs who didnt recall as much of the night as he thought. We showered, got dressed and loaded up the cooler with two cases of drinkability and ice. Mike, Mr. PSU himself, realized he didnt have a jersey and decided to make a pit stop at walmart. Its 11am, we are in the car headed for walmart and I am already done my first two beers, I already know it is going to be a great day. Myself and Dupe walk around this enormous walmart for about 20min in search of sunflower seeds. We get a bag of sunflower seeds, beef jerkey, and the worst fucking subway sandwich I had ever tasted. We walk outside and see Mike on top of the truck chugging a beer and Crazy Legs screaming Ohio sucks chants. We are on our way. We arrive to the tailgate and it is already pretty wild. Mikes dad had hired a band to play and the tables were full of booze and food.
Dupe had made friends with an old drunk who was carrying around a bottle of Crown Royal like it was a fucking water bottle. Dupe then insisted on drinking about 3shots per swig (I stayed away from the hard stuff so that I could make it inside the game). We go to toss the old pigskin around when all of a sudden a couple of guys go to help some poor shithead up ( I figured he tripped over his own two feet and fell). While standing in line for the porta potty he just glanced around and immediately fell straight back due to his excessive consumption. Two men drug him to the grass sat him up and asked where his friends were. I shouted " Jack, Jameson, and Jim Bean are all gone buddy, no one is coming for him". I got some laughter from the guys and a look of disgust from a few women which just caused me to start cursing rather loud.

After some more food and drink it was time to go in. LCB was handing out underages left and right and girls were crying like little babies. The one girl had the snot like cry (I was disgusted) I yelled over to the cop to give her another citation to wipe her nose off. He chuckled, the people around me laughed, and she began to cry harder in embarrassment. There isnt much to say about the game (you'll know what I mean if you watched) except for Johnny Walker that we smuggled in to wash down the beef jerkey.

Later that night Mike wanted to sleep but Me Dru and Dupe werent ready to throw in the towel. I called a couple buddies of mine and both were having parties, ironically enough only 4houses apart. We had Mike mom drop us off and the fun began. When walking up to the house some kid was like, might wanna get lost aint much beer left. Not knowing if this kid owned the house or not we were about to walk to the other one when I heard: "Shut the fuck up and Vince get your ass over here, this is my buddy Vince you dont even fuckin live here." It was a kid Chief I had met a few months back. He told me Chris was inside and to drink whatever I came across, to this I replied by showing him a bottle of Stoli we brought. I go inside, find Chris and me him Dupe and Dru all polished off the bottle in a hurry. From there me and Chris caught up a little, got a bit more fucked up, then went back out and moved the party down the street. After a couple party jumps we end up at a pretty good one until some cum guzzlin whore (who actually was pretty sexy) tried to charge $1 a beer. I turned to a kid in the house asking if he knew the whore, he asked why, I told him the dilemma and he went up to her, argued a little. When he turned around he said "shes hot they get away with what they want". Not five minutes later did the same kid start yelling fuck you whore get up at her (my unprofessional diagnosis was he's a skitso). After about 10minutes of this girl antics another female approached her. I am not sure what she said nor can I assume, but the next thing I know its a cat fight. Both girls are to their feet getting slammed into the concrete wall, shelves falling, and hair being ripped out. Now when I say hair ripped out I am not exaggerating. This girl had a first full of hair after the fight was broken up. Well, problem solved, the whore's off the keg and taps open. While in line some girl behind me bumps into me, as I turn around to say God knows what about her being clumsy I see there are tears running down her face with an empty cup of beer. She apologizes for bumping into me and I tell her its no big deal I think she'd kick my ass anyway. I hand her cup up to get filled and my buddy Chris apologizes and says he cant get any more beer yet because he just filled two cups up (one of which was mine). She says its noo problem she can wait. I pour half my cup in hers and say this should hold you over. Thinking I made a good impression I walk away. I then come to find out this girl was crying because she was fighting with the boyfriend she told me she didnt have (so I was hunting wounded prey like any good drunk does) but her boyfriend is the my buddy Chef- whatta waste of a half cup of beer, right? I go outside to the smokers section to see whats goin on when the bitch who lost some hair storms out. After conversing with a guy for a little she bulrushes a group of girls and starts swinging. A rather obese girl sits on top of her and states she will not get up until the little whore chills out. After getting up and several more attempts to swing the girl finally realizes she should take the hair she has left and the dollars she collected and call it a night.

Once realizing that the girls would not be riping any clothes off Dupe, Dru, Chris, and myself start heading back to the house. We decide to get "Are U Hungry" again but to have it delivered for none of us were in the mood to walk 2 blocks away. We order the food, watch the smurfs a little more, and decide to wait on the porch out front. Walking through the kitchen I see Dupe with a strange look on his face and he says that it is time for us to go we need to get out of there. I take him outside, ask him whats wrong, and come to find he stuck a shitty bag of chips up his sweatshirt. I tell him to take it back, he keeps telling me no because he gave us $8 and we didnt order him any food that we stole his money and fuck us all. He put them back and about 30minutes late the food was there. Not before Dupe yelled at every obese person who walked by asking if they were the "fatbitch" that we had ordered. Going through the bag of food we were missing the cheese fries that we had ordered so Chris called back. However the story ended in a terrorist like threat when the man said he'd give us free fries next time and Chris said FUCK YOU I WANT MY FRIES NOW ILL FUCKING KILL YOU. Between this and throwing light bulbs at the house next door I realized it was time to go so I phoned for a taxi. While waiting some kid walks by asking if we have a cork remover for the bottle of wine he has. We invite him on the porch and just jam the cork in breaking some of the bottle. Kid looks at us, we begin to drink it, tell him dont worry edges arent too jagged and we start bullshitting. Turns out the kid is from Ohio State Lax, but is a big Penn State fan. Asks where we are from, stunned we are from Delco and starts asking if we know anyone from Ridley or Springfield. He begins to name names, I knew a couple of the kids and decided to call them at 4am. Turns out they all thinks this kids a prick and he has no idea. The taxi arrives, I take one last gulp of wine, and I'm off. We get in the taxi to a large pony-tailed prick who had a point of view on everything (including drivers who use gps). About 5min from the house everything that had entered my body that night hit me all at once and everything from there on out is pretty much a blur. Next thing I remember I'm hoovering over Mike with a fatbitch and asking him to leave by 5am so that I can be home in time for my softball game. I sit on the couch and start playing with the corkscrew. Around 930am I woke up to the corkscrew in my hand, me sitting up, and the guys ready to leave

I slept the entire ride home, got home went to work, ordered a beer and a chicken cheese steak. After that I realized I needed to lay down which I did from about 6pm until 3am when I decided it was time to update the blog.
This one time..At band camp...